I read somewhere that swearing helps to reduce pain when we hurt ourselves, for example when we stub a toe. So I've started replacing your name with 'fuck', and I'm not going to lie, I feel a lot better.

I was so undeserving.
And yet, you were
So relentless.

I pushed, you pulled.
I cried, you comforted.
I stopped, you smiled.

I was a disaster,
The worst of its kind.

And yet, you still
Had the audacity
To tell me
I was beautiful.


-JB

The Lovers and the Dreamers

The lovers and the dreamers,

Asleep at 3 a.m.

On a mattress on the floor. 

Oblivious to the world turning.

The lovers and the dreamers,

Sharing coffee at 8 a.m.

Over hazy eyes and light 

Catching the dust in the air.

The lovers and the dreamers,

Kissing goodbye at 9:30 a.m.

Their breath visible between

The touching of their lips.

The lovers and the dreamers,

Coming through the door at 6 p.m.

Drinking too much wine

That’s meant for the chorizo.

The lovers and the dreamers,

Falling into bed at 9 p.m.

A tangled mess of limbs and sheets

Falling asleep in each other’s arms.

The lovers and the dreamers,

Are asleep at 3 a.m.

They will begin again,

In the morning.

Second Chances

I'm running out of people to believe in.

The voices scream "Second Chance,"

But I need a reason to begin.

I spent so much damn time

Just keeping my head above water,

I forgot I knew how to swim.

The man on that corner said, 

"Don't save I love you for tomorrow."

But what good are sweet words

When there's nothing else to follow.

I can't say exactly what it is I'm feeling,

But I've never been in this place before.

I'm trying to get out, kicking and screaming,

But you've got your back to the door.

My curse is my admiration,

But yours is so much worse.

You and your damn indecision,

You're not the man I thought you were.

When you left my mother told me,
"It'll be okay, the world keeps turning."
But that's the problem.
I told you I would love you
Until the earth stopped spinning.

A Letter To The Man I Love

I too often over-complicate reality. I over analyze your words and actions, forgetting that you are a simple man and that love is a simple thing. I get jealous without meaning to, I yearn for your attention like a toddler, and I doubt myself much more often than I care to admit. But you take it all in stride, showing me nothing but patience and understanding. You never raise your voice or get irritated with me… or at least you never show it. You are the biggest constant in my life, and I am grateful everyday that I have you to lean on. I admire your work ethic, your passion, and most of all your heart. You inspire me every day to be a better version of myself. You make me so proud, and so happy to have you in my life. You have seen the best of me and the worst of me, and still choose both every time. You are my partner in crime, my midnight companion. Someone who knows when I am smiling, even in the dark.

I’m scared of falling in love.
I lose myself.
I’m so malleable in love
That I become completely distorted from my reality.
I forget who I am
And who I was before him.
I don’t want to fall in love,
But I love you so completely.

We have all hurt someone tremendously,

Whether by intent or accident. 

We have all loved someone tremendously, 

Whether by intent or accident. 

It is an intrinsic human trait, 

And a deep responsibility, 

I think, 

To be an organ and a blade. 

But, learning to forgive ourselves and others 

Because we have not chosen wisely 

Is what makes us most human. 

We make horrible mistakes. 

It’s how we learn. 

We breathe love. 

It’s how we learn. 

And it is inevitable.

A Letter To The Man Who Loves Me

I.
You can tell me
You love me
In the sunrise
And by midday
I will think
I’m completely
Alone.
Your love is enough
But I feel like
I’m not enough for your love.

II.
I will wake you up
At 2 am
When I’m stone-cold-sober
To say sorry
For everything.
You won’t know what I’m talking about.
Neither will I.
Say it’s okay.

III.
Some days
I will tell you
I need you to hold me.
Tell me
I am strong on my own
But you’ll be there
Just the same.

IV.
I am and will be
Jealous of
Everyone and everything
That goes on
When you’re not with me.
Remind me
That you care but
Never let me make you
Feel guilty for not letting
Your world revolve
Around me.

V.
When I call you crying
One too many times
I don’t need advice,
Just to know
That my tears are not
Falling unheard.

VI.
I will accuse you
Of being sick of me,
Of being tired of me
A lot.
And you will spend
These conversations
Feeling like a broken record.
Don’t get bored of me.
I’m just scared
That you’ll see me
The way I see myself.

VII.
I will never be angry
But I’ll get passive-aggressive.
If I tell you
It doesn’t matter
Tell me
It matters
To you.

VIII.
I’m not as broken
As I often like to think I am.
Don’t try to fix me.
I still need to learn.

IX.
I’m afraid of being rejected
But don’t stay
If you don’t want to.
I’d rather be alone
Than with someone
There out of pity.

X.
Be patient
And let me
Grow into your arms.

Day to Day

I am not a graceful person.
I am not a Sunday morning,
Or a Friday sunset.
I am 2 am on a Tuesday,
I am gunshots muffled by a few city blocks,
I am a broken window during February.
My bones crack on a nightly basis.
I fall from elegance with a dull thud,
And I apologize for my awkward sadness.
I often believe I don't belong around people,
That I belong to all the leap days that didn't happen.
The way light and darkness mix under my skin has become a storm.
You don't see the lightning,
But you hear the echoes.

Supernova

And men said that the blood of the stars flowed in her veins.” - C.S. Lewis
--
People are like stars
Something happens to burst us open
And we think we are dying
But we’re actually turning into a supernova.
When I burst open,
My last breath is going to rush out of me
Like a stellar explosion that
Briefly outshines our entire galaxy.
Einstein told us,
Energy cannot be created
Or destroyed.
It can only be changed
From one form to another. 
So don't you tell me
There is no life after death
When every atom in our bodies
Was created in a star.
I have galaxies in my mind,
So do not tell me I cannot shine.
And when you stand transfixed
Under the expanse of stars in the sky,
Realizing that each star
Is actually a raging sun,
Do not feel insignificant.
Instead, remember you are a star
In someone's sky.
Remember you shine 
Brighter than the sun.
Remember you are stellar.
You are galactic.
You have dust and stars
In your bones.

There are as many atoms
In a single molecule of your DNA
As there are stars in a galaxy.
So remember:
You are a universe.
You are my world.

JB

Live Wire

She is not one to tread quietly,
Leaving small footprints as she goes.
She will not be a silent force in your life.
She will come crashing in,
Like a violent ocean wave.
And you will let her.
Because she is an electric beauty,
With the blood of the stars
Running through her veins.
She is a live wire,
So know in the end
That she will burn you.
And you will let her.
Because she is the first person
To make you feel alive since
You don't remember when.
And she sounds elegant
Even when she says the word "Fuck".
 You will love her to the point of madness,
And she will let you.

How This Ends

My green-eyed lover,
With your touch
As soft and slow
As your voice.
I feel you smile
Beneath my lips.
Perhaps in another life,
We were more
Than whatever it is
We are now.
Perhaps you once
Fixed my broken wing,
And showed me how to love again.
But not now my darling,
Not now.
You are not my cure,
You are my morphine.
A drug to ebb the pain
In the middle of the night.
The fire in my chest,
Burns a little less hotter
When my fingers
Are roaming your body
Like new territory.
And then,
I press my feet to your cold floor.
I dress in the dark.
And that my dear,
Is how this ends.

Do Not Tell Her You Love Her

Do not tell her you love her
Because of how her eyes shine
In the middle of the night.
Do not tell her you love her
Because of how she smiles
After every savory kiss.
Do not tell her you love her
Because she laughs
When you tease her.
Do not tell her you love her
Because of the sweet promises
She whispers in your ear.
Do not tell her you love her
To get her into your bed
Or to keep her from leaving.
 Please, do not tell her you love her
Just because she loves you.

What We Fear

The undiscovered country from whose
Borne no traveler returns.

To fall into the dark pits of oblivion,
Is the only way to know.
To drown in the murky depths
Of the labyrinth,
Is the only way out.

Claustrophobic

I am the shrinking girl.

I fold myself over and over,

I shrug into unoccupied corners,

So as not to take up too much room.

I can feel myself wasting away,

Shrinking into nonexistence,

In order to fit into the smallest of spaces.

But it is getting harder for me to breathe, I cannot remember the last time I stretched my fingers as far as they can reach, I cannot remember the last time I did not feel claustrophobic.

 For not being able to handle small spaces,

 I sure shove myself into a lot of them.

All I needed,

Was some space of my own.

All I needed,

Was for you to say:

"You deserve to take up space".

Odd Delight

Strange is not what we aim for.
We aim instead,
To be strangely beautiful.

We imagine of the day,
Someone catches us
In our odd delight.

And falls in love.
But I have found,
Beneath the act of
Our differentness

We are all,
Quite tragically ordinary.

Yesterday I looked up at the sun and with one breath, blew it out. I watched as the light was slowly drawn away, as if being sucked through a straw. Before I knew it I was submerged into darkness, standing beneath a starless sky. I flashed out my phone and checked the time. 1 o' clock in the afternoon. I looked around without seeing anything, and all I could think was: "What have I done?" I found myself on my knees in the the middle of a black world, my fingers among the once visibly green blades of grass. I thought then of the story from the bible study days of my youth, about when God created... well, everything. "At first it was dark, and then... there was Light." I held my breath, waiting for something to change. For what? I don't know. For the light to come back, for God to strike me down for destroying his creation... I would have welcomed either. But instead I was left alone, in the silence, in the dark. It had only been a few minutes and was already maddening. I felt as if I were dead, but also felt very much alive. I felt as if I was surrounded by millions, but also felt very much alone. The silence was deafening, as I tried to figure out how all of this could be. But I was in the dark.

Storytime

Tell me a story.
Tell me the story about why leaves fall from their trees like they're falling in love with the ground.
Tell me the story about how the ocean kisses the shore, no matter how many times it is sent away.
Tell me the story about how the sun loved the moon so much he died every night to let her breathe.
Tell me a story about true love, so I no longer doubt its existence in reality.

Stand Up

Stand up for what you believe in.

Stand up for who you are.

Put hope into your dreams,

They will take you far.

Stand up for the girl, who sits alone,

Who cries herself to sleep at night.

Stand up for her little brother.

Who tries not to hear their parents fight.

Stand up for those who are weak,

For the girl without a voice.

Who listens and says nothing,

Because she has no other choice.

Stand up for the girl in pain,

From all the harsh names.

Because of where she comes from,

And all the false claims.

Stand up for the boy,

Who stares at a knife.

He wants it all to end,

He wants to take his life.

Stand up for the tired,

For those who’ve always ran.

Stand up for all of us,

Stand up, because you can.